I would say that I love love more than anything in the world. I love being in love, seeing people in love, and experiencing all the emotions that come with love, even the most painful ones. I feel it’s the emotion where we, as humans, can truly feel the most. That said, I’ve made so many mistakes in love that I could represent the stories of a handful of people in just myself. My wife’s favorite anecdote is that I’ve been engaged three times and technically married three times. In many ways, I wasted my 20s on love—I wasted my time on the wrong people and my heart on the silliest things. But here are the lessons I learned the hard way that will stay with me for a lifetime.

“People tell you exactly who they are. Listen”

Now, this might sound obvious, and I was probably really naive for making this mistake multiple times, but it’s important to say: People literally tell you who they are, word for word, and your job is to listen and decide if that’s the person you want in your life. I once dated someone whose friends nicknamed them “Scammer,” and I watched them scam others. I always told myself, “They would never do that to me.” But sure enough, when we broke up, they tried to scam me in any way they could—out of things, out of money—anything. I then went on to date someone who, on our first date, admitted they had been physically violent with their exes and warned me not to get involved with them. I thought, “They would never do that to me.” You can probably guess how that story ended. You’d think I would have learned my lesson at some point, but it happened time after time. You might think it’s a subject where you can eventually compromise, but these red flags add up and should never be ignored.

“You can’t fix someone else’s broken”

Apparently, the Japanese art of Kintsugi doesn’t translate to relationships—no matter how hard you try or how perfect you are, you cannot fix someone who is broken. I started making this mistake at a young age. In high school, I dated someone who had a sports injury that prevented them from playing. This led to alcohol and drug abuse, and eventually, depression. I thought I could help, save them, love them enough, or just be there for them. But the truth is, you can’t be enough for someone like that. We did break up, obviously, but at the time, I was devastated by the idea that I couldn’t help them.

Fast forward to my 20s, and I found myself once again trying to piece together someone who was already broken, only to break myself in the process. I’m sure I’m not alone in this experience, but it’s heartbreaking to see someone you love deeply hurting, and all you want is to be that person who can help them out of it. However, in these cases, people can only help themselves. You might be able to guide them to that help, but you can’t be their saving grace. And if that ship is sinking and pulling you down with it, you have to know when it’s time to get on your own raft.

It took me a long time to learn this, and even longer to forgive myself for ‘giving up.’ I felt like I was causing more pain, or abandoning the person I loved, my family… I don’t know. But you learn.

“Boundaries are your best friend”

This might seem obvious, but it’s crucial: set boundaries right from the start. Anytime something happens that you don’t like, say it firmly. Don’t let people push your boundaries. If they do, they don’t truly care for you. Someone who can’t respect “no” shouldn’t be in your life.

I used to struggle with not asserting my boundaries early in relationships, which led to loud and awkward fights later on. I’ve dated people who not only wouldn’t take “no” for an answer but would also see my desire for boundaries as an excuse to act out, like creating a Tinder account to threaten to leave me—which, in hindsight, is pretty ridiculous. Every single time this happened, I should have walked away. I should have said, “Fine, you’re bothered? I’m not. Goodbye.” But I didn’t. I stayed and compromised to meet the needs or wants of the person I was with.

“Having only crazy exes is a red flag”

Ironically, I actually told my now-wife that all my exes were crazy when we first started dating. It’s true—somehow, I’ve been the exception—but she immediately went to her best friend for advice. She knew it was a red flag and nearly ended things with me because of it. My excuse is that I’ve been colorblind to red flags my entire life, and being naive, I ended up with the wrong people.

I once dated someone who told me all their exes were crazy, and I was foolish enough to believe them. That brief relationship turned into months of harassment and torment, and ultimately a lawsuit that I won—proving them to be the truly unstable one. Now, I’m 100% certain they’re out there telling people that I’m also one of their “crazy” exes. If I had followed this golden rule, along with all my other lessons, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble.

“Actions speak mountains more than words”

I’ve been in relationships with people I believed truly loved me—I was sure of it. They would shower me with soft words, sweet messages, and thoughtful speeches about the future and their care for me. Yet, at the same time, they would gaslight me into petty, jealous fights, bring me physical harm, or pressure me into doing things I didn’t want to do. Despite all that, I believed they loved me, and because of that, I would have done anything for them.

But how could that be love if their actions were driven by hate, jealousy, or disregard? Everyone knows the expression “actions speak louder than words,” and I used to repeat it, yet I didn’t respect myself enough to live by it. I was too convinced that love was actually there when it clearly wasn’t.

“You can’t love someone else if you don’t fully love yourself”

This is another one of those things that seems so obvious. I’d always heard that you need to love yourself first, and I thought I did—but I didn’t, not fully. I loved myself to an extent, but it wasn’t until my late 20s that I truly started to embrace who I am. I used to struggle with being myself—I found it exhausting, constantly feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts and emotions. On top of that, I needed everyone to like me. I just couldn’t grasp the idea that some people might not like me, even if I was the nicest, sweetest person I knew.

I was also deeply concerned with my appearance, body, and weight, placing a lot of value and attention on how I looked. Because I didn’t genuinely love myself, I never sought the love I truly deserved. I took back cheaters, allowed exes to talk down to me and disrespect me, and anytime there was a problem in the relationship, I blamed myself and beat myself up over it. I was easily gaslit, accepted things I never should have, and stayed in relationships far longer than I should have.

“Keep your secrets. You don’t owe anyone anything”

I used to believe that the key to a good relationship was being an open book—sharing every detail of my life, my fears, my mistakes, my nostalgia, everything. I thought that true love meant knowing each other inside and out. Unfortunately, I made this mistake twice. While I’m sure it can be different with the right person, in my case, it was thrown back in my face. During even the slightest argument, I found myself confronted with my own stories and traumas being used against me. It was shocking—to have the person you love the most weaponize something that hurt you so deeply.

I’m sure even the healthiest relationships can face this challenge in the heat of a dispute. So, I stopped making this mistake. I decided that anything from my past that doesn’t directly affect my present or current relationship can be kept to myself. This change has saved me from so much fear and has allowed me to be more present in the moment.

Thankfully, I finally learned these important lessons, and I can confidently say today that I wouldn’t make these mistakes again. It was a long journey to self-love and acceptance, and an even longer road to recover from the damage I allowed to happen to myself over the years at the hands of toxic people. Being able to be my genuine self and hold firm boundaries led me to find the most kind, loving, and patient person I have ever known. I’ve built a marriage around open communication, gentleness, and respect.

I still wonder how I let myself fall for people I knew deep down were wrong for me, but I’m grateful that today I’m with someone who genuinely loves me. I must admit, the thought of all the time and energy I wasted makes me sick to my stomach, and some of the injustices I endured still keep me up at night. I love that I have rose-colored glasses and can be naive, but these are also the traits that have gotten me into the most trouble.

Anyway, this is the most I’ve opened up and been vulnerable in Life Unpacked so far. I promised a lifestyle and travel blog, and with all the trips we’ve been taking, I’ve been delaying a more personal part of a lifestyle blog. It’s also a very raw topic, and it’s not easy to open up to strangers or even people I probably know on a page that I just toss online. I hope my mistakes can be inspiring. The pain I endured wasn’t for nothing—I was able to learn from those mistakes and build the current version of myself and my reality. The suffering taught me to be careful, strong, and a bit tougher on the outside. It taught me to put myself first and not accept anything less than what I deserve. It brought me to where I am now, writing this as my wife and our dog nap together on the couch in front of me.

If you are in a toxic relationship, you aren’t alone. Be strong and get out. If you’re in a dangerous relationship, seek help through the many resources provided in every western country in the world. Utilise them. You are not alone.

41 percent of women in the United States experience violence or harassement in their relationships. (call 800-799-7233)

1 in 4 women experience domestic violence in the United Kingdom (call 0808 2000 247)

Every 3 days, a woman is killed by the hands of her partner in France (call 3919)

All my love